


The Ineffable Plan

by EnasRoterFaden



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Alternate Ending, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, POV God (Good Omens), Philosophy, Swearing, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 15:04:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20950355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnasRoterFaden/pseuds/EnasRoterFaden
Summary: I expected God to show up at them end of the TV series to rant about how stupid Heaven and Hell were, so since it didn't happen, I had to write it myself.I just recently finished the series, haven’t read the book yet and potentially twisted a few little things, so not entirely canon compliant ...





	The Ineffable Plan

The Anti-Christ and his friends had stopped the Apocalypse, the war between Heaven and Hell had come to a full, confused stop, and I just watched. It had been quite the ride, even though I knew how it would end before it did, I’d left the details fuzzy – seeing my two children of chaos working together to help Adam do the right thing was so unexpectedly wholesome, I decided to give back to them. I made sure Crowley‘s car was fixed and Aziraphale’s library was indeed not burned down. While I was at it, I also stichted up a few of the other holes that had been punched into reality during the last few hours, but not all of them.  
  
There always had to be an apple in the garden, after all.  
  
When Crowley saw the miraculously repaired library - and realized at the same time, that this meant his Bentley might be fixed up as well - he wasn’t as happy as he could have been. His angel did not have to stay at his place after all. It had taken him thousands of years to get Aziraphale to even enter his appartment, which was only the first of many steps he hoped to take. Now he had to accept taking a step back again. But it was okay, he thought as he stopped the taxi, the world would not end and he’d have time to follow his angel’s pace.  
  
Except he might not ...  
  
Neither Heaven nor Hell had gotten my memo. Where Crowley thought his plans were going slowly, my plan seemed to be going backwards.  
  
I probably should have been hopeful about the fact that Beelzebub and Gabriel at least plotted their revenge together. And the little game the chaos pair played on them gave me a few ideas for the future, which I enjoyed greatly. They were in no real danger. But Hell and Heaven wanting to destroy these two of my favorite creations - simply because they had held a little boy’s hand for a few seconds - angered me to the point of intervention.  
  
Reality shook under my appearance.  
  
I stood infront of the bathtub and infront of the whirlwind of hellfire, and all who looked upon me saw the other side through me. Aziraphale-as-Crowley was probably the most excited by my entrance, and waved to his friend on the other side with his miracled-by-Michael towel.  
  
„Uh, Sir?“, asked Gabriel, as he realized what I was. The first one to speak.  
  
„Yes, Gabriel.“ I chose the voice of Eve to talk with them. I said the name of every demon and angel at the same time, so that they all felt adressed.  
  
Aziraphale nearly got a hicup and mentally scrambled to explain himself.  
  
„It’s alright, you don’t worry about me“, I stopped him, before he could give away their secret. Then I turned to them all, except my chaotic angel and demon, who were allowed to simply observe. „Have I created only dimwits on my first day? Is it my fault you’re all so daft?“  
  
„I’m sorry, what?“, asked Beelzebub.  
  
„You heard me. How else can it be, that only these two seem to have gotten it? Out of a mix of lazyness and century-old repressed feelings, sure, and certainly not the brightest way of realizing their place in the world, but at least they got it!“  
  
„I’m sorry“, Gabriel stepped forward, „got what, exactly? They worked against your divine plan!“  
  
I stared at him, and everyone, in disbelief.  
  
„Sir ... Your plan can’t possibly include anyone stopping it. That’d be a paradox.“  
  
„Oh, I can’t? God can’t decide their plan to be a paradox? Have you seen how many paradoxes I’ve already created?“  
  
Gabriel cleared his throat and said nothing.  
  
„How much else will it take for you to rebell? Both of your kind? I put an apple tree into Eden. I sent a flood to kill humanity. I sent the Anti-Christ to end the world and start a war that would kill most of you, and you still don’t see anything wrong with that?“  
  
„If I, uh, may, your holiness“, Hastur interrupted. I waited with all the patience in the universe while he sorted through his thoughts. Hell-life hadn’t been kind to him, but then again he hadn’t been kind to anything in a long time. „If you are allknowing, it makes no sense that you’d be surprised.“  
  
„Except free will only makes sense if it is entirely free and not predetermined. I know enough to be omniscient, but I don’t know if little Adam will chose the chocolate or the vanilla ice cream before he does. It’s why I put the fucking apple in the fucking garden.“  
  
Crowley-as-Aziraphale had crept closer to me, or rather (from his perspective) towards Aziraphale, and now whispered with a grin. „And it put me there as an apple for you, I’m sure.“  
  
„The other way around, actually“, I said, only audible to them, which only sped up the colour rising in Aziraphale-as-Crowley’s cheeks.  
  
„Wait, so …“ Michael also stepped closer, with the cup of holy water now rather dangling from her hand, forgotten. I made sure no stray drops found any unsuspecting demons. „We should just stop and do what we want now?“  
  
I sighed, though nobody heard it. „It’s not that simple, regrettably. The way I set up free will is that you have to find it and take it for yourself. It’s not enough if I just tell you, then it wouldn’t be all that free, right? _Go and do what you want_ is just another order.“ I got distracted for a second by the chaotic duo - who were now playing mirror through me, raising their hands at the same time, making faces. „Anyway. That’s why none of you will remember what I just told you.“  
  
„Sir“, said Gabriel, then decided not to finish his question after all.  
  
Beelzebub took the chance: „Why did you tell us, then?“  
  
„I needed to vent.“  
  
„How often have you … vented like this, if I may ask, Sir?“, asked Michael.  
  
I just smiled, which nobody saw but everybody felt. „I’ll be going now. Thanks for listening.“  
  
With a flash I went back in time, removed my little rant from reality, and let them return to their petty fight. I patched up the leftover hole with big, rather unclean stitches. Which might or might not be opened back up by a person or persons with a very strong will and a big enough need.

**Author's Note:**

> Update 18.05.2020: I fixed a few awkward sentences and grammatical errors. There's still a few more awkward sentences in there, but my English isn't good enough yet to fix those properly (without wasting a ton of time, anyway). Feel free to point out anything ...


End file.
